Dating in a modern world: Am I Self-Sabotaging?

Attachment Styles and Self-Sabotage

Humans are intrinsically motivated to search for loving connections. However, for some, there are competing needs, such as the need for self-protection. Those who prioritize self-protective goals (preventing rejection) as opposed to connectedness goals in relationships can fall into unhelpful patterns of behaviors, ultimately diminishing their chances of a fulfilling intimate relationship.

Attachment-based behaviours such as avoidance of intimacy, or an excessive need of reassurance

can create unhealthy patterns of the push-pull dynamic. When this happens repeatedly, the

relationship may eventually fail (Rusk & Rothbaum, 2010). It is possible that insecure attachment styles might be contributing to a cycle of romantic self-sabotage, where some individuals are at risk of destroying relationships, or no longer pursue relationships (Peel et al., 2019).

As an example, anxiously attached individuals may expect rejection, and consequently overreact to

perceived threatening situations. This type of anxiety may trigger ‘activation’ strategies and

behaviors such as paranoia or jealousy. Alternatively, an avoidant attachment style will employ

deactivation strategies such as deflection and difficulty emotionally connecting (Mikulincer et al.,

2003).

Dating in the modern world where everything feels disposable

Individuals who have been single for an extended period of time may experience feelings of

hopelessness, unwillingness or very little desire to pursue romantic relationships. This may be based

on a fear of failure, past relationship experiences, or the current dating climate. In many ways,

modern ways of finding a partner, such as online dating has made finding people to potentially date much more accessible. However, the downside to online dating concerns the sheer volume of

people that are ‘available’ to date, or the attitude of people being “disposable.”

If a perceived flaw is recognized by a potential partner, (i.e. they no longer seem “perfect”) or too

much effort will be required, unhelpful behaviors such as “ghosting,” may be executed.

So what do we do about it? Romantic relationships can be a source of immense joy and fulfillment, but they can also bring to light some of our deepest fears and insecurities. For many, the challenge lies not in the relationship itself, but in the ways we might unknowingly sabotage it.

Relationship coaches recognize the intricacy of self-sabotage behaviors that may lead to relationship breakdowns. Together, we can discover helpful tools, examine past traumas and attachment styles, and shape future relationship goals. Building a skillset of self-reflection, insight, noticing patterns and triggers, and implementing helpful coping skills may largely increase our chances of breaking the pattern of romantic self-sabotage in this difficult modern dating society. Understanding ourselves in a nonjudgmental environment can be transformative, leading to healthier, more satisfying relationships.